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Existential crisis #1

This week I learned that tomato consumption can cause anaphylaxis. Of all the foods that I worry about in restaurants, a tomato isn’t on the watch list. It wasn’t me that suffered (and thankfully recovered), despite never saying grace before a meal.

*Puts down peanut butter on toast*

I also learned that when someone orders a gluten-free afternoon tea, they are still at risk of getting a gluten-filled afternoon tea. That customer may also be lovely about this, much nicer than the ignoramus complaining that their food arrived five minutes late and served to the wrong person. People watching can be so exhausting.

I also learned that cardiac arrest can kill someone one year older than myself. I’m 27. That person died four days ago on the street in which I work. It isn’t being treated as suspicious, just tragic. Being in the city center, this person inhaled his last breath and didn’t take another step. He received CPR, all to no avail. His body was taken away swiftly, the street once again empty at 10pm other than the drinkers walking up to the cash point at that very spot, totally unaware that a human life just expired as they plan their next drinking spot.

After a very long day at work, I have sat down at home, a little exhausted. I can feel the onset of anxiety slowly creeping up on me, tics are becoming more prevalent and breaths a little deeper. Conveniently, the following video emerged in my recommended YouTube feed.

An attractive woman will always distract me for a brief moment, no wonder the video has 34.7 million views. I decided to look past the click-bait thumbnail and give it a shot. 27 minutes and 53 seconds in, it is keeping it’s promise. I am relaxing. I sometimes forget it is in the background, it will be interesting to see if I make the 3 hour mark. It is as fascinating as it is scary coming to the realisation that I need something external to keep my own body and mind in order. It doesn’t sound like much, however putting conscious effort into considering this reality really makes me feel almost separated from myself. My mind need servicing every now and then just like my car does. Sometimes, I need someone else to help me with this, whether it is therapy or therapeutic music. I don’t hold such power.

To throw a spanner into the works, relaxing also has its downfalls. I do not always feel in control, as baffling as I am sure that sounds. I am used to tics as a result of Tourette’s, overthinking as a result of OCD and constant movement as a result of ADHD. In the rare moments that the symptoms subside, I feel an incredible amount calm, even if my symptoms are not as severe as other sufferers experience. This calm makes me uneasy, I had mentioned this to my therapist last year when I was seeking techniques to alleviate the associated conditions. I feel I am going into a state of paralysis, or losing control of my movements. It’s a weird feeling to feel like I am losing control when I should feel I am gaining it. Maybe this has something to do with claustrophobia or the desire to be in open space. I need to be somewhere in which I can move, and regular movement reassures me that I am.

So there we have it, I feel overwhelmed at times and when I try to relax it feels weird. I need to find the right balance, if I have such a thing. It’s like I am not a single person, but a person trying to break a wild horse, with no end in sight.



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